Sunday, March 7, 2010

on my thoughts lately...

I felt tired, apprehensive or anxious lately. 

Its unusual for me, to change what exactly what I want then have a second thoughts. Feeling confident and have positive attitude then down to feeling insecure and embarrassed. Between feeling strong and brave and then  frightened and afraid. Feeling accomplished of some things but then suddenly I don't appreciate it. I'd say I'm happy but I'm a bit confused. And now I don't know what I gonna do. 

I am always tired, my body is aching though I made some a lot of walking lately to relax and breath. It's odd because I always thinking what's gonna be my life? wild imagination came up, mixed feelings that I don't understand that I find it difficult to get sleep at night. ^-^(sigh)

It's difficult for me, because I don't have an outlet of this feelings.I don't have friends nearer me, my family, my boyfriend is too far. I cannot wander around in town due to my situation (illegal). Lucky, I live in a wonderful place in front of the sea and I could go to the beach for a walk, and feel the breeze. Within my silence and contemplating myself from the past, I think I've grown enough.I've grown as a young cultured lady. I found my self to appreciate those things and be proud what I've accomplished. 

But is that enough what we called life? What should I do with my life? It's so sad and frustrating when I think I leave my wonderful job , that I called it was a career. I'm wasting time doing things isn't my passion though rewarding. I hate this thoughts and I hope this feelings will certainly passes by and follow what my heart desire.

I guess it's a normal feelings when you want to settle your life for a new direction. A  direction that I never know what will be.  It's like I'm looking in every direction knowing where I needed to end up but simply not knowing which way to take to get there. What if I fail?

To be honest I am frightened and apprehensive. I asked my self if I am ready to take this responsibility for a lifetime? To give up my freedom which I had it since I was thirteen. On the other hand, I want a family of my own. To sit by the beach together with my children and husband.  I want love and passion. hehehe!!!

I am sure these feeling will passes by. These are just things that have been occupying my thoughts lately and feel good to have it posted. Anyway, thanks for reading it :)

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